Re: Post Your Cartoons and Yuk Yuks

Stolen from reddit
A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"
Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Ruzzia and NATO."
"Oh, right. How's it going?"
"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 24,000 soldiers, 2,000 tanks, 200 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."
"Wow! What about NATO?"
"They haven't turned up yet." ... and_asked/

If I had a gun for every ace I've drawn
I could arm a town the size of Zhytomyr

Re: Post Your Cartoons and Yuk Yuks

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

stolen from the innerwebz by CDFingers
If I had a gun for every ace I've drawn
I could arm a town the size of Zhytomyr

Re: Post Your Cartoons and Yuk Yuks

For your next telemarketer, try this:

ME: Greetings?
THEM: Hello! May I speak to xxxxx, please?
ME: Acceptance of that nomenclature.
THEM: xxxxx?
ME: Confirmation.
THEM: Hi, xxxxx. How are you today?
ME: Statement of well-being. Questioning of reason for communication.
THEM: Um… I was calling because you expressed an interest in going back to school. Was that something you were still interested in pursuing?
ME: Statement of confirmation with mild to moderate enthusiasm.
THEM: Um… Sir can you hear me ok?
ME: Confirmation and statement in the affirmative.
THEM: Ok… Um… Do you know what field of study you were interested in pursuing?
ME: Linguistic and literary review of the Constitutional Monarchy of the United Kingdoms of England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland.
THEM: Um… I’m sorry sir, but I am seeming to have some difficulty understanding you.
ME: Questioning of your general auditory recognition skills and curious musing about your potentially low intelligence quotient.
THEM: I’m sorry I don’t understand sir…
ME: Vulgar expletive! Vulgar expletive! Insinuation that your auditory canals require cleaning! Demand that you perform sexual act on yourself that is physically impossible.
THEM: Sir, I’m not trying to upset you! I just don’t understand!
ME: Suggestion that your X chromosome was inherited from a farm animal! Demand that further conversation occur with your direct superior!
THEM: What?
ME: Repetition of supervisor demand! Increase in volume while demanding said supervisor!
THEM: Supervisor? Please hold on sir.
*30 seconds later*
SUPERVISOR: Good afternoon, sir. This is Marie the floor supervisor. How can I help you?
ME: Insistence that your corporate training modalities require considerable refinement.
SUPERVISOR: Ok? I’m not sure how to help you sir.
ME: Muttered response outlining that the current person I’m speaking with has the same listening issues as their subordinate.
SUPERVISOR: Sir, what is it you want?
ME: Outline desires of an excessive volume of cash, ease of living, and perhaps the ability to hunt telemarketers like they were game.
SUPERVISOR: Sir, we provide education location services. Are you interested in going back to school?
ME: Inform that I am currently in a post-graduate program.
SUPERVISOR: So… you are already in school?
ME: Affirmative response.
SUPERVISOR: Why didn’t you just say so? Why are you wasting all of our time?
ME: Insinuation that you should have sexual relations with yourself, and that further I do this for my personal amusement. Further discussion about your current location being unsafe for you to utilize in an attempt to pass judgment erroneously.
SUPERVISOR: Whatever sir. I don’t have time for this.
ME: Suggestion that your time management skills require refinement as well.
SUPERVISOR: Is there anything else we can help you with sir?
ME: Response that the word “else” carries connotation of service being provided initially or at any point within the context of the conversation.
SUPERVISOR: Have a good day sir.
ME: Invitation for you to do the same.
Another beautiful day without having to use sin, cos, or tan!

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