Re: Getting through this moment

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lurker wrote: Wed Apr 29, 2020 11:11 pm i'm having the same sort of issues. beautiful day, nobody i know personally is sick but a sense of as yet slow distant impending doom and the people who are supposed to fix it are making things worse instead of better. count your blessings wherever you can find them.
I knew someone who died, a few who've caught this, and today was again cold, windy, and overcast. I know we all get the blues and I guess this is just my turn. It's almost May and feels more like early March!

At least my pool is staying clear--but part of that is the water is 53, 54 degrees and algae doesn't do well when it's that cold.
"Even if the bee could explain to the fly why pollen is better than shit, the fly could never understand."

Re: Getting through this moment

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In these past weeks, I've been dealing with a lot of rage. I have a lot of experience with this after recovering from PTSD many years ago (after a rather serious motorcycle accident where my friend was killed in front of my eyes by a L-turn driver while I survived). But years of working with a trusted psychologist gave me tools to manage strong emotions and the intensity subsided over time. It's interesting to observe such strong emotions rushing back now at this time, completely outside of my control, and not due to any particular event or memory that haunts my dreams.

At least I have an understanding of what is going on inside this time. And I suspect the process works the same for other people as well. I wish to share some of my experiences and what I've learned about myself.

My anger is a sort of petty shortness of temper these days. I've studied it. Observed my inner processes like a lab rat. I feel a stab of anger easily when people "stand in my way" from accomplishing what I set out to do. And if that person is a man that is physically larger than me, I puff up and verbally spar as if readying myself to throw punches. I don't expect to win, possibly expecting to lose the fight. It feels like another form of punching tree trunks or 2x4's that I did alot of during PTSD just to feel physical pain on the surface of my fists rather than having emotional pain locked up inside where I can't claw at it. It shows me how messed up I actually am. In the past I had the ability to see that when someone says something stupid or otherwise act nonsensical, a more balanced individual me can understand that person forced to work in public during a lock-down order is themselves under a great deal of stress and may not be acting right. Now I am willing to join them in a macabre ritual of inflicting pain.

At any rate, I've discovered through walking my process through PTSD that many American men have been culturally taught to turn emotions of sadness, fear or anxiety into anger or rage. (Did any of you also read Hulk comics growing up, or are now paying attention to what John Wick teaches our sons and nephews?) Put it simply, fear is seen as incredibly emasculating for us men. We are not allowed to express our fears or even sadness as easily as women; not given cultural license to do so therefore most of us don't give ourselves that pass to simply feel the emotion. Instead, we turn the "weak" emotions into rage and experience that rush of power. Anger is energizing and provides the illusion of agency. Rage is interpreted as potency even if it is often (self) destructive in the end. From a feelings of impotency to that of power. That is the underlying dynamic of what happens in PTSD. We are emotionally traumatized and naturally experience fear. Instead, we turn the "weak" emotion into anger, express it as "powerful" rage.

Yet the opposite often happens to both men and women. Fear and anxiety is not processed and not actively transmuted into anger. Instead the emotion it just stays within the systems and builds up over time in a sort of positive-feedback loop. Unconsciously a willful decision not to feel fear leads to an overabundance of something left undone. Like most procrastination, it leads to depression.

In this case the answer seems to be a direct engagement with our emotional selves. How that happens, how we access and process our emotions differs for the individual. often it isn't an active process but merely a decision to stop turning away from it. We know when emotion is being processed and when it is not. For fear, it is particularly difficult but also very obvious in men when we are in touch with strong emotions laden with cultural baggage.

And often it comes out of physical activity. Men often more easily accessed their emotional bodies through their physical bodies; much more than through their minds or verbal communication. Physical exertion can often tax our energies past our minds ability to block out emotions. When that happens a floodgate breaks so to speak and we experience a huge wave of mixed emotions that might be frightening but often leaves us feeling better, more cathartic.

I have also felt unexpected emotions through stories, movies, music or poetry which touches a tender are of our psyche. Allowing that sudden stab of emotion to widen and breach our normal cultural defenses is actually an acquired skill. Too often we automatically clamp down on emotions due to fears of cultural impropriety. This is true for both men and women.

In all cases, the willingness to engage strong emotions of anxiety, fear, anger or rage is healthier than shutting it down and making ourselves feel hopeless and depressed. Better still is to experience fear and anxiety in its raw form rather than turn it into rage for cultural reasons. Dealing with rage, as I've been feeling, just takes longer in understanding it is now a two-step process rather than just feeling fear.
"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence. There is hope for a violent man to become non-violent. There is no such hope for the impotent." -Gandhi

Re: Getting through this moment

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Kronk - thanks for Bimini bread recipe. Your Bahamian Lobster Salad got me thinkin' it's time for some of my homemade shrimp or fish Ceviche considering summer has arrive early in south Texas.
"Being Republican is more than a difference of opinion - it's a character flaw." "COVID can fix STUPID!"
The greatest, most aggrieved mistake EVER made in USA was electing DJT as POTUS.

Re: Getting through this moment

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Thanks for that, bisbee. I'm fairly good at not expressing emotions as anger, but it does take effort. I've dealt with anxiety my whole life (read, generally afraid of everything, all the time). It has spurred me to be a pretty active "prepper" which has served my family better over the last 3 years of catastrophes far better than rage would have. But there is a lot of fear in the world turning upside down and anxiety about my ability to provide for my family in the future. I am reminded that flexibility is more important than rigidly clinging to what the world was two months ago and most everything is out of my control. There is a freedom in letting go and allowing curiosity to take over. And focus on loving your family..

Re: Getting through this moment

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Bisbee wrote: Thu Apr 30, 2020 12:12 am In all cases, the willingness to engage strong emotions of anxiety, fear, anger or rage is healthier than shutting it down and making ourselves feel hopeless and depressed. Better still is to experience fear and anxiety in its raw form rather than turn it into rage for cultural reasons. Dealing with rage, as I've been feeling, just takes longer in understanding it is now a two-step process rather than just feeling fear.
Your whole post was very thoughtful, Bisbee. For me, anger is a secondary thing that comes from some other hurt or worry or anxiety and so on. Our culture teaches men to let anger do that and not to deal with why we're anxious or hurt or what not.

It's true for me about the physical aspect. If I feel anger I find it useful to do physical work that makes me sweat. Sometimes just a bike ride will burn up the anger chemicals. For my mind I really like archery. Once I get that concentrated feeling, I can transfer that to other aspects of my life. Of course, that feeling can dissipate, so I have to shoot a few times a week. The older I get and the more I shoot, the longer seems to last that nice momentary concentration. I have these tools, so I am able to avoid accessing rage.

I remember in the 90's I didn't get a position I thought I should have gotten due to politics. Verr angry. So in the back yard I spent twenty minutes bashing up a plastic lawn chair. Scared the shit out of my wife and my dog. But once it was in little pieces I was calmed down. I had some splainin' to do, but no harm except to the hapless chair. I should sell them chairs: Rage-Be-Gone. Make a pile o bucks.

Rage can get ugly. I have been successful these last decades keeping it at bay.

Just know all men and also most women struggle with emotional expression. That's why there's Art.

CDFingers
Crazy cat peekin' through a lace bandana
like a one-eyed Cheshire, like a diamond-eyed Jack

Re: Getting through this moment

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Thanks, Bisbee, for stating what is actually a really great analysis. That turning fear into rage and violence seems to be a key to the Trump Thralls.

And, like everyone, I'm not afraid to say I'm TERRIFIED of getting this disease. I'm almost 65, and if I get it, my wife will. She's 61, so if she gets it...our odds of survival aren't good...and we have a 15 year old son. What will happen to him? His brother 25, is on the other coast, in finals hell finishing law school. So Plan A is we don't get sick. Plan B is making sure Plan A works.

So, sometimes my general good spirits get overwhelmed, and our nearly constant shitty weather isn't helping.
"Even if the bee could explain to the fly why pollen is better than shit, the fly could never understand."

Re: Getting through this moment

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P1010001.JPG
Black bumblebees love these. They go up inside 'till just their butt is sticking out, and they come out all pollened out. Sooner or later I'll catch one with the camera. This is the first third of the column open. Maybe a week the whole thing will be lit.

P1010004.JPG
This is just beginning to open. Each of those long orange pods opens, and it's humming birds that love these. Their beaks fit down in there and they get the goodies.

P1010008.JPG
Two days into the bloom. Week or so the whole bush will be purple.

CDFingers
Crazy cat peekin' through a lace bandana
like a one-eyed Cheshire, like a diamond-eyed Jack

Re: Getting through this moment

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I think we are all registering "afraid" to "terrified" on the "scared meter" for different reasons. Back in Nov 2016, before I worried about a virus, I was scared that Trump would destroy the economy like every GOP POTUS. No one knew how bad he would get, though.

For now, I am just enjoying the work-from-home with the dogs and happy to have money coming in. Worried about out our offices closing in the Fall, if we will have jobs, and the prospect of a recession or depression with few jobs available for the millions of unemployed.

So, I am preparing for the eventuality, talking to family more, planting some outdoor plants, and spending time with my pack. I am all out of outrage. I am disgusted by our politicians. I hope for the best and stay home as much as possible.
It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Re: Getting through this moment

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In our house, Friday is pizza Friday. Usually that means we use pita bread for crust as it’s less fattening than my pan pizza. (This past Friday was real daddy pizza night, but that’s beside the point.) we usually have garlic cheese bread with it.

This week, I made too much garlic butter. Woe is me. Made popcorn for movie night and made an extra bowl for use with said garlic butter.

This, my friends, is how I’m getting through this

Re: Getting through this moment

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Kick the hot garlic buttered popcorn up a notch by sprinkling with grated Parmesan cheese. Hmmm, good!!
"Being Republican is more than a difference of opinion - it's a character flaw." "COVID can fix STUPID!"
The greatest, most aggrieved mistake EVER made in USA was electing DJT as POTUS.

Re: Getting through this moment

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i'm in the process of deciding that the purpose of life is to seek happiness. not necessarily to find or have it, but to seek. you cannot buy it, it's not in money or power, you get it, freely given, from the people around you. i dunno. :sorry: sunday. i get like this sometimes.
i'm retired. what's your excuse?

Re: Getting through this moment

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Last night for the stir fry I was able to add about 25 snow peas grown in the garden. Tasty. Planted four more chards. Have two types of onions nearly ready. Putting my hands in the dirt, then I smell my fingers. I can smell dinner in June.

CDFingers
Crazy cat peekin' through a lace bandana
like a one-eyed Cheshire, like a diamond-eyed Jack

Re: Getting through this moment

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featureless wrote:It's been on the honeydo list for a while. Seems a great time to figure out how to lay vinyl plank flooring. Always start with the most difficult room possible, a hallway with 6 doorways, a stair transition and angles. Gives me something else to think about. :)
20200503_142849-2268x3024.jpg
Dude that's gonna look awesome when it's done!

Re: Getting through this moment

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CDFingers wrote:Last night for the stir fry I was able to add about 25 snow peas grown in the garden. Tasty. Planted four more chards. Have two types of onions nearly ready. Putting my hands in the dirt, then I smell my fingers. I can smell dinner in June.

CDFingers
I love having the garden, it's seriously been such a bright spot in our lives through all of this.

Re: Getting through this moment

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bajajoaquin wrote: Sat May 02, 2020 10:49 pm In our house, Friday is pizza Friday. Usually that means we use pita bread for crust as it’s less fattening than my pan pizza. (This past Friday was real daddy pizza night, but that’s beside the point.) we usually have garlic cheese bread with it.

This week, I made too much garlic butter. Woe is me. Made popcorn for movie night and made an extra bowl for use with said garlic butter.

This, my friends, is how I’m getting through this
Too much garlic butter? That's like saying "too much cheese" or "I have too much ammo". It does not compute.
It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Re: Getting through this moment

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kronkmusic wrote: Sun May 03, 2020 5:36 pm
featureless wrote:It's been on the honeydo list for a while. Seems a great time to figure out how to lay vinyl plank flooring. Always start with the most difficult room possible, a hallway with 6 doorways, a stair transition and angles. Gives me something else to think about. :)

20200503_142849-2268x3024.jpg
Dude that's gonna look awesome when it's done!
Thanks, Kronk. My back is not 25 anymore! And of course, the saw is downstairs and outside while the flooring is upstairs with a cut at each end and every doorway. Maybe some day I'll spring for a Festool setup.

But now it's leftover pesto pizza time. We braved takeout last night. A beer would be perfect. Alas, I gave that stuff up as well.

Re: Getting through this moment

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Baked some whole garlic cloves into the mac 'n cheese tonight. Asiago cheese. You have not lived until you make mac 'n cheese with Asiago. Or Appenzeller.

On another front, this is what we call "wild iris." Not an iris. Has red berries in the fall. If we should live so long I'll pic 'em in the fall. Here's the bloom:
wildiris.JPG
Nice floor job. Much luck wished to the project.

CDFingers
Crazy cat peekin' through a lace bandana
like a one-eyed Cheshire, like a diamond-eyed Jack

Re: Getting through this moment

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CDFingers wrote: Sun May 03, 2020 8:55 pm Baked some whole garlic cloves into the mac 'n cheese tonight. Asiago cheese. You have not lived until you make mac 'n cheese with Asiago. Or Appenzeller.

On another front, this is what we call "wild iris." Not an iris. Has red berries in the fall. If we should live so long I'll pic 'em in the fall. Here's the bloom:

wildiris.JPG

Nice floor job. Much luck wished to the project.

CDFingers
I recommend this method for Mac n Cheese with any kind of cheese you like (Asiago would be delicious).

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4A3Hkdj59Do

Re: Getting through this moment

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featureless wrote: Sun May 03, 2020 8:50 pm
kronkmusic wrote: Sun May 03, 2020 5:36 pm
featureless wrote:It's been on the honeydo list for a while. Seems a great time to figure out how to lay vinyl plank flooring. Always start with the most difficult room possible, a hallway with 6 doorways, a stair transition and angles. Gives me something else to think about. :)

20200503_142849-2268x3024.jpg
Dude that's gonna look awesome when it's done!
Thanks, Kronk. My back is not 25 anymore! And of course, the saw is downstairs and outside while the flooring is upstairs with a cut at each end and every doorway. Maybe some day I'll spring for a Festool setup.

But now it's leftover pesto pizza time. We braved takeout last night. A beer would be perfect. Alas, I gave that stuff up as well.
We had takeout pizza last night as well, your right about braving the take out; my wife bought the cardboard box into the kitchen, and my first thought was to get it back out. Although I haven't had almost any alcohol in about 8 weeks, I had a Guinness with mine, made it seem very special.
"it's a goddamn impossible way of life"
"And so it goes"

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featureless wrote:
kronkmusic wrote: Sun May 03, 2020 5:36 pm
featureless wrote:It's been on the honeydo list for a while. Seems a great time to figure out how to lay vinyl plank flooring. Always start with the most difficult room possible, a hallway with 6 doorways, a stair transition and angles. Gives me something else to think about. :)

20200503_142849-2268x3024.jpg
Dude that's gonna look awesome when it's done!
Thanks, Kronk. My back is not 25 anymore! And of course, the saw is downstairs and outside while the flooring is upstairs with a cut at each end and every doorway. Maybe some day I'll spring for a Festool setup.

But now it's leftover pesto pizza time. We braved takeout last night. A beer would be perfect. Alas, I gave that stuff up as well.
Eh, booze is overrated anyway, all it does is steal happiness from tomorrow.

Can't you cut that flooring with one of these things? I know it wouldn't help with the angles, but it would at least save you a trip on each end.
Image

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